Dear Reverend,
I have tried to maintain a friendly relationship with my wife's ex because they have three kids together — all now adults — and there are family events (e.g., Thanksgiving) when we get together. He has asked to stay with my wife and me this year, as he's a little strapped for cash and Airbnb rates are pretty high that time of year. I do not like him. I don't want him in my house. How should I deal with the request?
Mr. Nice Guy (man, 68)
Dear Mr. Nice Guy,
It's truly commendable that you've been able to put aside your feelings about this guy in order for your stepkids to spend time with their biological father during the holidays. But they aren't children anymore, and his accommodations are not your responsibility.
Asking to stay with you and your wife is really out of line. Unless he's completely clueless, he should know that. It would be much more appropriate for him to stay with one of his adult children if they live in the area. Or perhaps the "kids" could go and visit him this time around.
If that's not possible, and if you are willing and able, you could offer to help pay for his hotel room. But that's really going above and beyond — as you mentioned, holiday rates can be astronomical.
What does your wife think of all this? I would hope that she's none too keen on the idea of him staying over. Since it's her ex, I'd say she ought to be the one to put the kibosh on the request. But being firm with an ex can be difficult, so maybe it's a better job for you.
Whoever takes on the task of telling him that he can't stay at your house needs to keep it short, sweet and strong. He's not owed any explanation, and he doesn't need to know that it's because you don't like him. Just tell him that it's not an option. Keep in mind that "No" is a full sentence.
Final tip: Don't make up any stories about having five cousins staying with you or your bathrooms being remodeled. It's never good karma to lie.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend